"Sorry, you're much too big. Simply impassible."
"You mean impossible?"
"No, impassible. Nothing's impossible."
~Alice and the Doorknob, Alice in Wonderland
So here I am. Again. Wishing and hoping and crying and praying that I will one day wake up as the girl I so desperately want to be. I want all of this to happen magically, of course. At least that is the attitude I had yesterday before I came to my senses. It's taken me 24 years to realize that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and losing this weight is no different. So I'm doing things a little differently this time and I'm hoping that my failures of the past happened because I was going about everything the wrong way completely.
I'm going to do this for me. Not for my parents or my family or all those boys who stuck me in the friend zone over and over again. I'm doing it for me and my health and my self esteem. As this is my first post, it's probably going to be long. I have a lot to say. Bear with me.
I haven't always been fat. When I was just a wee one, I was indeed a WEE ONE. My grandma always tells me how much smaller I was then all my cousins......that I was just like a little bird. Around the age of 9 I went through a crazy growth spurt and grew about a foot taller then everyone my age. I stood head and shoulders above my classmates, with thin little legs and arms. It was a good thing according to all my dance teachers because I looked just like a dancer should.
I've danced since the age of three. It was something that I was actually really good at, and I loved it. It was something that definitely defined me as a child.
Around the age of 12, when I was just starting 7th grade, I stopped growing up and started growing out. Rapidly. In less then a year, I went from a size 4 to a size 12. That's a hard thing to deal with when your in the horrible world that is junior high school. Blech, what an awful place that is.
By the time I was in 9th grade, I was 15 years old and a size 17. I didn't understand what was going on. I wasn't eating more then the dance girls around me, and yet I was 3 times bigger then most of them. There was one girl named Jennica who has danced with me since I started at our studio. We took all the same classes our entire lives. She could eat an entire pizza in one sitting, and she always had candy in class, yet she didn't gain an ounce. It just wasn't fair.
I still didn't let the weight hold me back. I tried out for one of the 6 coveted cheerleading roles in 9th grade. Out of the 30 some odd girls that tried out, I was picked. It was hard I suppose to wear the little skirt around school on game days, but I didn't care. I was a dancer, and I didn't think anything about it because I had been dancing in front of people my entire life. Some people made rude comments to me, or about me to others, but I tried not to listen to it.
In high school I gained a little more weight, but not much. I spent most of those years wearing a size 16 at 160 pounds. I maintained my weight by dancing, dancing, dancing. Every other day for drill team we ran 2 miles. I was dancing almost 4 hours everyday, and I was fit as a fiddle. Again some people made remarks, but I tried hard not to listen.
That's me on the far right with all the little drill team girls.
Then one day my sophomore year, a girl in one of the dance classes I was a teacher's assistant in told me I was so brave for being on the drill team and dancing in front of the whole school with all the size 0 girls on the team. I'm not sure why that, more so then all of the harsh comments I had received my whole life, opened up the self esteem floodgates. After that, it was like everything that had ever been said to me came rushing out and I began to hate myself.
I'd never thought of myself as brave, I was just doing what I loved to do. I was good at it, and I had worked hard to become the dancer that I was. I never really thought that my weight should have kept me from performing.
After that everything changed. I heard the rude comments, and they hurt. This time, when my dance teachers told me I needed to lose x amount of weight, I listened. Before that I knew I was healthy, though I did weigh more then I should, but I was keeping everything in check with working out and eating right. I just couldn't lose the weight no matter what I did, so before the brave comment I brushed off what my teachers said because I felt I couldn't do more then what I was already doing.
Around Christmas time my sophomore year I started throwing up everything I ate.
It was the only thing I hadn't tried yet, and I figured it would be the only thing that would work. I lost some weight, but I lost myself completely in the process. I didn't really care about dance or my grades or anything anymore. I stopped dancing at my studio, though I kept up with drill team. I became angry and depressed and I more or less hated my life. It continued this way until I became a senior and I couldn't take it anymore. I quit drill team and just did dance company, which was wonderful. I still binged and purged once in a while, but nothing like I had been doing the 2 years prior. I put some of the weight back on, but I was happy anyway.
Dance company my senior year. I'm on the left.
My senior year was great. The years after high school were also great, except I stopped dancing. I got too busy with work and college and eating. I don't know what happened, but after I stopped dancing I stopped being healthy altogether. I moved out of my parents when I was 18, and I've been on my own since then. I've lived on fast food, soda, soda, and more soda. Not to mention the fact that for a while I went out with friends every weekend to the bar to get our drink on.
Right before graduating high school. Me on the left with my super thin friend on the right. In the middle is our bus driver who safely took us to San Francisco.In the almost 6(!) years since high school I have gained over 100 pounds.
Me six months ago on the left.
I weighed myself today for the first time in a really long time.
No, no, no. That just will not do.
So here I am about to start the weight loss journey the healthy way. I haven't purged in 6 months, which is great. I have stopped drinking alcohol almost altogether......though every once in a while I may drink on a special occasion. There hasn't been one of those in about a year, so that's not a big deal I think. Now I just need to learn how to eat better, and cut out Mountain Dew.
Mountain Dew is my lifeline. I love it, I really do. But I know that I can't love it anymore, and thus Mountain Dew and I will be breaking up. Today. Let the caffeine headaches commence.
I need help though. Any tips, tricks, words of wisdom you can share with me would be great. I'm researching all I can, but any words or encouragement would be very much appreciated.
Wish me luck.