Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Wingman/Girl

So it's been a little over a week since my last post.

I dyed my hair dark with some blonde highlights left in. I'm not completely ready to get rid of the blonde, but I'm getting there. I think I look better with dark hair, but after being a blonde my whole life it's a little weird looking in the mirror.

I've lost 2 pounds, which is a good thing. The bad thing......I'm still drinking that dang Mountain Dew. I went about 2 days without it, and the headaches were horrible. I started on my weekend, but when Sunday (which is my Monday) came, I caved and had one. And I've had one every morning since then. I have to be to work at 4:45 in the morning, which is a terrible time for anyone to be awake and I feel like I NEED the caffeine. I know I don't. So here we go again, I'm getting rid of this obsession, I swear.

My problem is I just don't like water all that much. I'll learn to love it though, I promise. Maybe if I didn't drink so much soda I would be thirsty, and nothing tastes better then water when you're thirsty.

So this past weekend I reaffirmed my need to lose this weight. Like I really needed another reason besides my overall well being, but you know vanity is also a pretty good reason I think. I went out with my good friend Becki to celebrate Mardi Gras. I use to go out a lot, always with a big group of my friends. I was a tad smaller then, but not small by any means, but I felt okay and I always had fun. Lately I haven't gone out because I'm not feeling great about myself. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and really none of my clothes fit me anymore. I decided to suck it up though and go out because I'm only 24 years old. That's what I should be doing.

Everyone more or less bailed and I ended up just going with Becki. Tiny and cute little Becki. Everywhere we go she gets hit on, more or less by every single guy within ten miles of her. I don't mind it so much when we're in a group because while Becki is getting a million numbers, I have a plethora of other people to talk to. This weekend though, it was just us.

So I had to stand by while guy after guy hit on her. I had to watch while guys eyeballed her everywhere we went. I had to force a smile when guy after guy would shake my hand and politely ask me my name before turning their full attention to my friend. We started out at the club we use to go to all the time. I've always hated that place......the crowd there consists of frat boys mostly. I don't get along well with frat boys. Becki does though.

Then we decided to head to the gay bar that was having a huge Mardi Gras party complete with drag show and whatnot. I was excited. I get along very well with gay guys and I knew I would feel more comfortable there knowing that Becki wouldn't be getting hit on every 2 seconds.

Leave it to Becki though to find the 10 straight guys in the club. Or really, for them to find her and then subsequently buy her drinks while I sit by and fiddle with my phone.

I love her to death. She is very thoughtful and she's also the one that gets the rest of us out of the house most of the time. She is also not very bright (she once asked me how to spell cloud and book), and really kind of lacks overall in the personality department. But she's hot, so I get why everyone I know, including the one guy I love (story for another time), falls head over heels for her as soon as they meet her.

I felt horrible the entire time we were out. I hate being the token fat friend. I hate feeling like everyone is looking at me like I have no right to be out at the club. I hate feeling too uncomfortable with myself to dance and have fun.

I realize I'll never be Becki's size. I'll never be able to wear the clothes that she wears, and that kind of hurts. But I want to be a good size for me. A healthy, normal looking size. I want to be cute and be able to wear cute clothes and I want to get hit on ONCE by someone who isn't a 40 year old guy with a beer belly.

Being fat is, coining my favorite phrase, THE SUCK.


  1. You said: "I want to be cute and be able to wear cute clothes and I want to get hit on ONCE ..."

    Okay, I volunteer.

    Oh, dang ... here's the rest of your comment:
    "by someone who isn't an old guy with a beer belly."

    Heck, that leaves me out.

    Best wishes to you.

  2. Your hair looks great!

    I will never be able to give up caffeine. I've tried so many times. Now I just drink water and take caffeine pills :)

    I think we all have the "Becki" friends, and it's a total drag not being the one getting hit on ;)

  3. Keep your chin up over there! Your chance to shine will come! Your hair looks good darker. Very cute!

    Oh and PS...get out there and DANCE! Have fun!


  4. Frat boys - shudder - do not get me started.
    Gay clubs - hell yes.

    You sound so much like me at that age. (Sorry about that...)

    Chin up! It's do-able. You can give Becki more than a run for her money, because you can spell clouds, book and other exciting multi-syllabic words too.

  5. Yeah. I was always the "big friend"... In my quest to not feel like the "big friend" I made some pretty bad choices. I was actually at my wit's end when I met my husband and his view towards women changed my life. I had never met a man who could look at ANY woman and see past society's standards and pick out what was beautiful, unusual and sexy about her... I mean there are always exceptions but he just loves WOMEN. There are more men out there like him... I didn't find him in a bar or club though (maybe that is why I was never in a serious relationship until I was 24)- I had looked in all of the wrong places.

    I would encourage you to keep your chin up and remember that the guys who are throwing their numbers at your friend are throwing them because they are after a specific look for a specific purpose- which probably doesn't include intellectual conversation or long term commitment. All they have seen is her face and her body... they don't even know her...

    On the other hand- I know it sucks to be passed over just because of your body. The "bootie call" numbers sometimes can be flattering just because it makes you feel sexy...

    Two other things and then I will be done...

    1. Any reason to give up caffeine?


  6. Wow again another post that strikes close to the heart. I'm the token fat girl in my group of friends. I would have to lose my entire target weight to be close to their size. My flat mate is pretty and skinny. She gets hit on constantly while I get the cursory glance. It is one of the things that has definitely motivated me to lose weight.

    At 21 I feel I don't live the life style of a young student :(

  7. Damn those skinny friends with all their dumb good-lookedness. It really does suck being the token fattie, so I feel for you. I sort of stopped going out altogether because I got sick of it, and I can tell you that sitting at home drowning your sorrows into a pint of ice cream is not the ideal solution either. I'm glad you went out anyway...keep doing that. Eventually the right guy will come along and more than make up for all the missed connections with drunken jerks at bars. Hang in there, kiddo :)

  8. Oh my, I have been on both sides of this issue. When I was young (about 10) I took ballroom dancing and none of the boys would dance with me, unless forced to. The teacher, a female, never made an issue of it, she just reversed her steps, danced the guy's part and I danced with her. Needless to say, by the second year, I was the best dancer in the class. Years later when I was the "hottie" (for a period of time) I would never dance with the cool guys, I only danced with the wallflowers. I had been there and knew the feeling of being left out.

    Regarding that Mountain Dew addiction, you might want to change sodas. Maybe by drinking something with slightly less caffeine in it, you can made the transition. Eventually you will be drinking caffeine free and then nothing but water. Take small steps, Girly-Girl, it will be ok. I promise!

  9. I tried giving up Soda all together. I'm not a Mt Dew Addict (although I do love it, heck I love ALL soda!!) I did great for 10 days. Then, I sank back into my habits. But, one thing that has helped me. I can only have it at meals. (I drink a lot throughout the day... so now it's water all day. I look forward to meals though!)

  10. I like the hair! We've all been there...hang in there.

  11. Ah yes, the fat friend syndrome. I think I've been the fat friend since kindergarten. Someday that'll change.