So it's been a little over a week since my last post.
I dyed my hair dark with some blonde highlights left in. I'm not completely ready to get rid of the blonde, but I'm getting there. I think I look better with dark hair, but after being a blonde my whole life it's a little weird looking in the mirror.
I've lost 2 pounds, which is a good thing. The bad thing......I'm still drinking that dang Mountain Dew. I went about 2 days without it, and the headaches were horrible. I started on my weekend, but when Sunday (which is my Monday) came, I caved and had one. And I've had one every morning since then. I have to be to work at 4:45 in the morning, which is a terrible time for anyone to be awake and I feel like I NEED the caffeine. I know I don't. So here we go again, I'm getting rid of this obsession, I swear.
My problem is I just don't like water all that much. I'll learn to love it though, I promise. Maybe if I didn't drink so much soda I would be thirsty, and nothing tastes better then water when you're thirsty.
So this past weekend I reaffirmed my need to lose this weight. Like I really needed another reason besides my overall well being, but you know vanity is also a pretty good reason I think. I went out with my good friend Becki to celebrate Mardi Gras. I use to go out a lot, always with a big group of my friends. I was a tad smaller then, but not small by any means, but I felt okay and I always had fun. Lately I haven't gone out because I'm not feeling great about myself. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and really none of my clothes fit me anymore. I decided to suck it up though and go out because I'm only 24 years old. That's what I should be doing.
Everyone more or less bailed and I ended up just going with Becki. Tiny and cute little Becki. Everywhere we go she gets hit on, more or less by every single guy within ten miles of her. I don't mind it so much when we're in a group because while Becki is getting a million numbers, I have a plethora of other people to talk to. This weekend though, it was just us.
So I had to stand by while guy after guy hit on her. I had to watch while guys eyeballed her everywhere we went. I had to force a smile when guy after guy would shake my hand and politely ask me my name before turning their full attention to my friend. We started out at the club we use to go to all the time. I've always hated that place......the crowd there consists of frat boys mostly. I don't get along well with frat boys. Becki does though.
Then we decided to head to the gay bar that was having a huge Mardi Gras party complete with drag show and whatnot. I was excited. I get along very well with gay guys and I knew I would feel more comfortable there knowing that Becki wouldn't be getting hit on every 2 seconds.
Leave it to Becki though to find the 10 straight guys in the club. Or really, for them to find her and then subsequently buy her drinks while I sit by and fiddle with my phone.
I love her to death. She is very thoughtful and she's also the one that gets the rest of us out of the house most of the time. She is also not very bright (she once asked me how to spell cloud and book), and really kind of lacks overall in the personality department. But she's hot, so I get why everyone I know, including the one guy I love (story for another time), falls head over heels for her as soon as they meet her.
I felt horrible the entire time we were out. I hate being the token fat friend. I hate feeling like everyone is looking at me like I have no right to be out at the club. I hate feeling too uncomfortable with myself to dance and have fun.
I realize I'll never be Becki's size. I'll never be able to wear the clothes that she wears, and that kind of hurts. But I want to be a good size for me. A healthy, normal looking size. I want to be cute and be able to wear cute clothes and I want to get hit on ONCE by someone who isn't a 40 year old guy with a beer belly.
Being fat is, coining my favorite phrase, THE SUCK.